Grieving – 2 Helpful Ideas

Ella Fitzgerald used to sing, “into each life some rain must fall but too much is falling in mine”. I wonder if there is anyone who hasn‟t felt like that at some time? Of course I‟m not talking about the weather but grieving – the kind of life challenges and losses that stop us in our tracks and threaten to overwhelm us.

When things like this happen to us we can feel as though nothing will be the same again, as if we‟ll never laugh again, how could we possibly move forward? It can feel like a monsoon or a tidal wave.

Grief has various effects on us. It can make us withdraw from others, make us angry in a way that is uncharacteristic for us, for example road rage when previously we‟ve been calm drivers, snapping at shop assistants or friends and family when we‟ve usually been polite or take risks, lose our appetite, drop out of exercise or activities. The list goes on.

There are many tips and strategies that can help us get through the process and that enable us gradually to make peace with our grief. Here are two very different books that may be helpful:

The Happiness Trap by Dr Russ Harris talks about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. In broad terms it‟s based on the idea that we can‟t possibly hope to be happy all the time –life just isn‟t like that so we need to accept and make room for the negative things that happen and our feelings about them. We can then commit ourselves to spend our energy where it can have a positive effect. For example when we‟re plagued by negative thoughts – “I‟ll never get over this” or “It‟s my fault this happened” – we need to notice the thought and say to ourselves “Ah there‟s that thought again” or “There‟s that memory about being to blame”. We‟re reminding ourselves it‟s only a thought or a picture, not necessarily reality. Then as if we‟ve fallen into some quicksand, instead of struggling and getting deeper and deeper into it, it‟s as if we lie back and float on the top. The more we struggle with negative thoughts and feelings the more we‟re hanging onto them. The less we struggle the quicker they move on. It‟s important to say that this takes some courage – to stare down intense grief and sadness. The challenge is to realize that these are feelings and in themselves they have no power to harm us and they don‟t always tell us the truth.

As an aside here I have the utmost respect for folk who embark on counseling – these are courageous people who look their challenges in the eye in order to change and enrich their lives.

The other book is Elizabeth Berg‟s novel, “A Year of Pleasures”. It tells the story of Betta, a newly widowed woman who moves to a new town as she and her husband had planned to do, begins a new life, meets new people and discovers her husband has left her a collection of seemingly random words on scraps of paper. She racks her brain to try and understand what they mean. Eventually it dawns on her that he is telling her to find something every day that gives her pleasure – she needs a year of pleasures. Her husband is reminding her to enjoy small, everyday things. For her it is lining up autumn leaves on her kitchen windowsill, using beautiful pieces of china she has collected over years, helping someone out, eating dessert for breakfast.

This is an important reminder to take special care of ourselves when we‟re grieving and to find ways to take a break from the grief. This is not being disloyal to our loved one but is part of finding our way through to a „new normal‟.

Helpful books from my recommended reading list are:

• Swallowed by a Snake by Thomas R Golden
• It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok by Megan Devine

There are many more resources on the Skylight website: www.skylight.org.nz