Atmosphere – a Magic Ingredient in Parenting!
Why is atmosphere so important? Well think back to the family you grew up in and regardless of what your family was like, remember what made you feel good, what did you enjoy about your family? Chances are what you’re thinking of will have something to do with one of the following: the secure feeling that your parents were in charge, that there were some reasonable rules, and most probably that you had some fun together.
Atmosphere is the thing that lets our kids know they’re welcome here, they belong and that we’ll stick by them no matter what. It’s fundamental to their sense of security and well being, to their ability to grow and flourish. It’s like good soil for healthy plants or the right oil for a well-tuned car. In fact it’s the template they’ll use to navigate all their future relationships.
We can achieve it firstly by ensuring that as parents we are in charge – a kind of benevolent dictatorship. Nothing freaks kids out like realizing that their parents have abdicated their authority and left them in charge. That’s way too much power and responsibility for a child. It makes them panic, act up and tantrum – they’re asking for the security of knowing the adults are doing their job and looking out for them. Then kids can relax, calm down and be kids – play, explore, learn.
We also need to set the tone by being respectful, managing our own emotions, keeping calm and maintaining our dignity. It’s not about being perfect but just good enough often enough. Keep climbing back on the parental pedestal!
Our rules and expectations need to be clear and reasonable. Whether you have many or few rules they need to be talked about ahead of time. They need to be fair and have good reasons behind them. It’s a really good idea to make this a family project – perhaps around the dinner table over a bowl of lollies or dessert – hash out what rules your family needs, write them up and stick them on the fridge. Then if there’s a meltdown you can calmly point to the list and say “hey, we negotiated this. You know what needs to happen next.” Just remember to update the list from time to time, as the kids get older and more mature.
Finally it’s important to have plenty of fun – this sweetens the mood, defuses tension and creates the kinds of memories you thought of at the beginning of this article. We remember how our families made us feel in the good times. Our kids loved simple things like keeping a fire going for hours on a wild, west coast beach, or driving at night to Mission Bay for ice cream, or just hanging out with family friends playing games.
For teenagers atmosphere is incredibly important. They are acutely tuned to atmosphere – ready to fire up at tension or heavy handedness or to walk all over ineffectual rules. As Nigel Latta says boundaries with teens need to be like a good pair of undies – not too loose, not to tight! Now there’s some neuroscience involved here. When kids (and adults) are stressed their brains are in survival mode, scanning their environment for threats and danger. The higher functioning parts of their brains are shut down and not available for learning or thinking clearly. Taken to extremes if kids are severely traumatized for long enough their brains can be permanently affected. However if we want our kids to do well in school and life we need to provide as calm and secure an atmosphere as possible.
So how do we create awesome families? By maintaining a great atmosphere where parents are clearly in charge and set the tone, where rules are clear and reasonable and where we are all having plenty of fun.
See my Recommended Reading list:
- How to Really Love Your Child, by Dr Ross Campbell
- Raising Teens Today, by Lambie and Simmonds
- The Politically Incorrect Guide to Teenagers, by Nigel Latta
- Boundaries with Teens, Dr John Townsend, Christian
- Kids are Worth It!, by Barbara Coloroso
- Surviving Step-Families, by Dr Michael Carr-Greg
- Real-Wired Child, by Dr Michael Carr-Gregg
And Toolbox Parenting Groups www.theparentingplace.com